So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
