Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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