I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
