The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
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