3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
