if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Randomize
