theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
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