i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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