I should be sponsored by Trojan
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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