Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
