if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Randomize
