I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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