so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
