oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
