Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
