Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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