the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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