he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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