I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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