shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
