I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
