I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
