Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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