I heard we made out
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
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