I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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