This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
