ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
