My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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