Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
