They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize