Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
My underwear smells like fireworks.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
