i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Two words: blizzard sex
How does one acquire holy water?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
