I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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