I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
