I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
