I just saw a hot homeless man
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
