omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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