drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
