I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
