nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
