seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize