Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
