we have pet lesbian snakes
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Randomize
