I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
