i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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