So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
