Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
