In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize