sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Randomize
