So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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