i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Randomize
