I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize