My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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