Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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