Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
