there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
