Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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