i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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