I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
