Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Randomize
