I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
