Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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